The Book of No Man

Another testament of Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ.

Chapter 1

  1. And it came to pass that in the two thousand and seventeenth year of the reign of that hippie from Bethlehem that that great and abominable corporation, even the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, yea, the great blight upon the Front Wasatch, it did cause much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

  2. They were like unto that great serpent, even Lucifer, who did smile and charm and beguile our mother and then did blame her for the pain given to her by a patriarchal system.

  3. And the adherents thereof were like unto the pharisees and sadducees, who were quick to find fault and who did cherish exactness in their hearts but who did miss the entire fucking point.

  4. And there rose an army against them who did read the words of the Tanners and of Fawn Brodie and of all manner of scholars and who did begin to proclaim these words to the people that they might find community and also weaken that great and abominable corporation, the bore of all the earth.

  5. And there were in that same country two Whores of Babylon, whose price they did not measure in rubies but in grams of fruit that is desirable to make one happy, even cannabis.

  6. And these two Whores of Babylon did say, one to another, let us find other people, even badasses, that we might talk unto whores like unto ourselves. And they did go and seek members of that army, the podcasters and bloggers, yea all of the content creators in that whole army.

  7. And they were exceedingly wroth to behold that they were mostly men, yea, and exceedingly white and politesome. Behold, they were cis and straight. And the Whores did think this was bullshit.

  8. Verily the Whores did say, one to another, let us go down and make our own podcast, that we might raise up our voices against he that is evil and wrinkly above all who are evil and wrinkly, even the greatest of assholes, Boyd K. Packer.

  9. And the two whores did each bring their own gifts.

  10. To Kelsae was given the gift of roller derby and of a Master’s in Social Work and of giving not even the least of all these possible fucks. To Cari was given the gift of compassion and of experience and of ridiculously severe mental illness.

  11. Unto both were given whimsy, yea, and in their home there were unicorns and rumors of unicorns.

  12. And they preached the words of the BITE Model, that all people might know that the great and abominable corporation is a cult. Consent they did preach also, and queerness, and basic social work principles also did they preach.

  13. They did take joy in vulgarity and in ripping the great and abominable corporation a new one.

  14. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster looked and saw that it was good, and did joyously waggle his noodly appendages, and the Whores of Babylon were exceedingly glad.

  15. And behold, at the end of the fifth month of the two thousand and eighteenth year in the reign of that radical empath from Nazareth, the time was accomplished that Cari should leave that most painful of decades, yea, even her twenties.

  16. Verily, Kelsae, already being thirty, and Cari, remembering the age of that pissed off table-flipper from Judea when he did start his ministry, did begin to preach their own gospel, being exceedingly glad that reason had begun to conquer the Abrahamic god, that women could speak their own truth, for yea, covered heads and silence in church is degrading.

  17. Wo, wo, wo unto them who do devote themselves to patriarchy, saith the Whores, for no more are we well-behaved

  18. And their gospel was self-compassion, yea and humor, and of feeling one’s goddamned feelings.

  19. Yea, they did believe in authenticity and in taking up space and in being angry and in using all manner of unclean speech, except they be slurs because gross.

  20. They, having been told they had a voice, did exercise faith in this principle, and yea, their voices were found.

  21. And they were exceedingly grateful to be joined on their journey by the amazing listeners who did support the Whores of Babylon, making their hearts exceedingly glad.